Our Angel

I started to write James’ birthday blog and felt I needed to do this one first.  I was pregnant with what I thought was going to be a little sister for James.  We had a heartbeat and had almost made it through the first trimester.  I was exhausted to no end, went to bed at 8:00 every night, and was beginning to show.  Everything inside of me thought it was a girl.  We were just about to share the news when I miscarried.  It was January 17th, and I was 10 1/2 weeks.  I had a D&C and filled my head with ‘everything happens for a reason’ thoughts.  Here is where I tell you that I never knew how hard a miscarriage was until it happened to me.  Our baby had arms, legs, and a beating heart.  My every day had been consumed by the pregnancy.  (I’m not one of those pregnant women that just breeze by.)  The hardest thing I had to let go of though, was the plan.  Knowing that James and his sibling would no longer be three years apart.  Letting go of our August due date, and that we would not have a five month old baby next Christmas.  Accepting that we had to wait even longer to try again, which will make even more of an age difference, God willing of course.  Watching others share their news with due dates that were so close to mine.  It was just so hard to accept and deal with all the emotions.  I felt (and still feel) guilty for letting this much time pass before having our second.  I felt extremely guilty for being the source of a loss with my family at a time when we are enduring so much.  I started spreading the bad news and found myself comforting people as they cried on the phone with me.  I found myself telling people “It’s okay.  I’ll be okay.  I believe this baby wouldn’t have survived on the outside word, and God had to take her.”  I found myself not knowing what to say, and having anxiety about what people would say to me.  I was often asked the cause of the miscarriage, which made me think, ‘Well, I like to think it was out of my hands, but what if it wasn’t?’  I was told that I could simply try again for another.  I had insensitive comments by people that just don’t understand.  Conversely, I would get sympathetic eyes and hugs, and I would burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant.  So, my anxiety increased and a new social anxiety skyrocketed.  I started having fears of something traumatic happening to James.  I was just so anxious, and I was just so sad.  My voicemail was overflowing with cares and concerns, but I had horrible anxiety about calling people back.  I didn’t want to talk about it, but I couldn’t act like it didn’t happen.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole.  My parents came to visit, and then one of my best friends from Florida made a trip.  Things are getting much better and time has really helped me heal.  So, why am I blogging this for the world to see?  I really don’t know.  Maybe as a tribute to our love?  Maybe because I feel guilty just going about life as though it never happened?  I just feel the need.  I’m an open book when it comes to parenting and most things in life.  This loss is now a part of us whether we welcomed it or not.  (And on a smaller scale, this pregnancy and loss seriously affected my blogging!)  I began to blog about James’ birthday, and I just couldn’t skirt around this chapter in our lives.  This angel will always be a part of our family, and I truly believe we will meet her in heaven one day.  I also feel like I have a new perspective on a loss that women and families so often endure.  And for every friend of mine or stranger that has lost a baby, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart.

Slip N’ Slide!

James got a slip n’ slide for his birthday (thank you, Aunt Dyanne!) and it was all we could do to hold him off until this afternoon.  He’s been asking for a month, “Mommy, it’s sunny so, we can pway with the hose and swip n’ swide… Wight???” Only to be answered with, “No, not yet, buddy.”  Well, the weather was nice today, but the water was still freezing!

He absolutely loved it, and I foresee many/all afternoons in the water. :)  We welcome you, Spring!!

Pledge of Allegiance

I’ve been dying to hear James say the pledge ever since I heard that they say it at school.  Today he pretended to be the flag holder, the most sought-after job at school, and started singing “I am proud to be an American” and saying the Pledge.  I am so proud, but almost burst out laughing every time he says “republic.”  For some reason he says that word in a southern slow motion.  I love my little American.

Cousins Bowen and James

Bowen, ten months old.  James, two years and ten months old

Cousin status: Despite a few sharing mishaps, the bestest of friends

Our Christmas Season

I wrote most of this blog over a month ago and am just now getting around to finishing it!  I clearly have not been on the blogging ball.

Christmas started early In the Helfer household.  We had a busy couple of weeks ahead so we got our Christmas tree the week before Thanksgiving.  Since Thanksgiving was early this year, I was just hoping we didn’t have a fire hazard come Christmas Day.

We went to Lowes this year and actually got a really good tree!  {Maybe because we got first pick.}  James was very excited!  Notice he’s not touching the ground here…

We picked out the perfect tree…

and were on our way.

We decorated our tree and house, a calmer experience than last year.

And the amazement began.

Every morning after we put the tree up, James would lay on the floor in front of the fireplace waiting for Santa.  So we made a Christmas chain to help us with the countdown.

Christmas jammies were almost expected to be clean every night…

The morning after Thanksgiving, our Elf on the Shelf arrived!  James named him “Elf” last year.  I thought that maybe since he is older, he might want to give him a more creative name, but he named him “James.”  We decided to stick with “Elf.” {Justin grew a beard, like most Vets do, that lasted until his 30th birthday.}

Elf first made his appearance in the nutcrackers, and has moved all over the house since.

We had our first candy canes of the season!

James got his Christmas basket!  {Most of the stuff was purchased after Christmas last year on clearance... just so I don’t look like a mega consumer.}

James LOVES getting his Christmas basket each year.  In fact, we lived and breathed everything Christmas for the month of December.  And I loved it.  I was concerned about a Helfer depression on December 26th. 

Luckily we had some best friends come to visit so, Christmas was sadly and thankfully just a memory.

We went to see Saluda Shoals lights one night, and James was mesmerized.  We actually drove around to see Christmas lights a couple nights a week, always ending with our own Grizwald house. 

We made a gingerbread house that was not a masterpiece, but nonetheless gave me one of those sentimental life doesn’t get much better than this feelings.

We saw the singing bears at Richland Mall, but did not take a picture because James repeatedly said “I don’t yike this.”  However, we saw soldiers play Christmas music while shopping on post one day.  it was pretty awesome, and James insisted we stay for quite some time.

We decorated Christmas cookies.

We celebrated Hanukkah with The Helfers!

We had hot chocolate dates.

We especially tried to keep focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  We took James to his first church service on Christmas Eve, rather than the nursery.  We also saw the live nativity of the Christmas story.

We had one excited boy Christmas Eve night.

We left cookies and milk for Santa.  I never got around to making cookies so, he got nilla wafers.  James licked one entirely before putting it on the plate.  sheesh.

One little reindeer stayed up waiting for Santa.

We had a great Christmas day with hardly any pictures… oops!  We had a quiet Christmas morning with just the three of us and Lynyrd of course.  Then, Sandy and Nanny came over for Christmas dinner.

We had a wonderful Christmas season, and we especially have so much to be thankful for.  Merry Christmas and God Bless, for He is the reason for the season!

I’m Thankful For…

For the month of November, I tried to teach James what it means to be thankful.  We talked about the meaning, I pointed out things I am thankful for, and we read books about being thankful.  I often asked James what he is thankful for, and I couldn’t help but take note.

Lollipops

Peanut Butter

Animals

Lynyrd and my turtle

Mommy

Daddy

Outside, the wind, and the sun

My Christmas tree

Daddy

The zoo

The country

Daddy and booboos

M&Ms, Daddy and Grandpa

Daddy was his most popular response.  I’d say “The Country” was the most surprising.  James, I’m also thankful for Daddy.

Our first turkey.

And I am so thankful for you, James.

Extravaganzalorious

If you have seen the Elf on the Shelf movie, An Elf Story, then you probably know the Extravaganzalorious song.  Well, James has had the movie for a week and is already on his way to Broadway.  It is so hard not to burst out laughing when he tries to do this choreographed dance.  And although he is extremely athletic, he also loves music and clearly loves to dance.