Our Angel

I started to write James’ birthday blog and felt I needed to do this one first.  I was pregnant with what I thought was going to be a little sister for James.  We had a heartbeat and had almost made it through the first trimester.  I was exhausted to no end, went to bed at 8:00 every night, and was beginning to show.  Everything inside of me thought it was a girl.  We were just about to share the news when I miscarried.  It was January 17th, and I was 10 1/2 weeks.  I had a D&C and filled my head with ‘everything happens for a reason’ thoughts.  Here is where I tell you that I never knew how hard a miscarriage was until it happened to me.  Our baby had arms, legs, and a beating heart.  My every day had been consumed by the pregnancy.  (I’m not one of those pregnant women that just breeze by.)  The hardest thing I had to let go of though, was the plan.  Knowing that James and his sibling would no longer be three years apart.  Letting go of our August due date, and that we would not have a five month old baby next Christmas.  Accepting that we had to wait even longer to try again, which will make even more of an age difference, God willing of course.  Watching others share their news with due dates that were so close to mine.  It was just so hard to accept and deal with all the emotions.  I felt (and still feel) guilty for letting this much time pass before having our second.  I felt extremely guilty for being the source of a loss with my family at a time when we are enduring so much.  I started spreading the bad news and found myself comforting people as they cried on the phone with me.  I found myself telling people “It’s okay.  I’ll be okay.  I believe this baby wouldn’t have survived on the outside word, and God had to take her.”  I found myself not knowing what to say, and having anxiety about what people would say to me.  I was often asked the cause of the miscarriage, which made me think, ‘Well, I like to think it was out of my hands, but what if it wasn’t?’  I was told that I could simply try again for another.  I had insensitive comments by people that just don’t understand.  Conversely, I would get sympathetic eyes and hugs, and I would burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant.  So, my anxiety increased and a new social anxiety skyrocketed.  I started having fears of something traumatic happening to James.  I was just so anxious, and I was just so sad.  My voicemail was overflowing with cares and concerns, but I had horrible anxiety about calling people back.  I didn’t want to talk about it, but I couldn’t act like it didn’t happen.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole.  My parents came to visit, and then one of my best friends from Florida made a trip.  Things are getting much better and time has really helped me heal.  So, why am I blogging this for the world to see?  I really don’t know.  Maybe as a tribute to our love?  Maybe because I feel guilty just going about life as though it never happened?  I just feel the need.  I’m an open book when it comes to parenting and most things in life.  This loss is now a part of us whether we welcomed it or not.  (And on a smaller scale, this pregnancy and loss seriously affected my blogging!)  I began to blog about James’ birthday, and I just couldn’t skirt around this chapter in our lives.  This angel will always be a part of our family, and I truly believe we will meet her in heaven one day.  I also feel like I have a new perspective on a loss that women and families so often endure.  And for every friend of mine or stranger that has lost a baby, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart.

Our Christmas Season

I wrote most of this blog over a month ago and am just now getting around to finishing it!  I clearly have not been on the blogging ball.

Christmas started early In the Helfer household.  We had a busy couple of weeks ahead so we got our Christmas tree the week before Thanksgiving.  Since Thanksgiving was early this year, I was just hoping we didn’t have a fire hazard come Christmas Day.

We went to Lowes this year and actually got a really good tree!  {Maybe because we got first pick.}  James was very excited!  Notice he’s not touching the ground here…

We picked out the perfect tree…

and were on our way.

We decorated our tree and house, a calmer experience than last year.

And the amazement began.

Every morning after we put the tree up, James would lay on the floor in front of the fireplace waiting for Santa.  So we made a Christmas chain to help us with the countdown.

Christmas jammies were almost expected to be clean every night…

The morning after Thanksgiving, our Elf on the Shelf arrived!  James named him “Elf” last year.  I thought that maybe since he is older, he might want to give him a more creative name, but he named him “James.”  We decided to stick with “Elf.” {Justin grew a beard, like most Vets do, that lasted until his 30th birthday.}

Elf first made his appearance in the nutcrackers, and has moved all over the house since.

We had our first candy canes of the season!

James got his Christmas basket!  {Most of the stuff was purchased after Christmas last year on clearance... just so I don’t look like a mega consumer.}

James LOVES getting his Christmas basket each year.  In fact, we lived and breathed everything Christmas for the month of December.  And I loved it.  I was concerned about a Helfer depression on December 26th. 

Luckily we had some best friends come to visit so, Christmas was sadly and thankfully just a memory.

We went to see Saluda Shoals lights one night, and James was mesmerized.  We actually drove around to see Christmas lights a couple nights a week, always ending with our own Grizwald house. 

We made a gingerbread house that was not a masterpiece, but nonetheless gave me one of those sentimental life doesn’t get much better than this feelings.

We saw the singing bears at Richland Mall, but did not take a picture because James repeatedly said “I don’t yike this.”  However, we saw soldiers play Christmas music while shopping on post one day.  it was pretty awesome, and James insisted we stay for quite some time.

We decorated Christmas cookies.

We celebrated Hanukkah with The Helfers!

We had hot chocolate dates.

We especially tried to keep focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  We took James to his first church service on Christmas Eve, rather than the nursery.  We also saw the live nativity of the Christmas story.

We had one excited boy Christmas Eve night.

We left cookies and milk for Santa.  I never got around to making cookies so, he got nilla wafers.  James licked one entirely before putting it on the plate.  sheesh.

One little reindeer stayed up waiting for Santa.

We had a great Christmas day with hardly any pictures… oops!  We had a quiet Christmas morning with just the three of us and Lynyrd of course.  Then, Sandy and Nanny came over for Christmas dinner.

We had a wonderful Christmas season, and we especially have so much to be thankful for.  Merry Christmas and God Bless, for He is the reason for the season!

Snail

Last Friday morning, I ran out to the car to grab something and saw a snail.  It was slowly on the move, not dead or “sweeping.”  I had to get my little nature buddy, as this would not be a visitor he would want to miss.

I stood in the driveway in my pajamas knowing that getting to school on time would be pushing it, and having the time to put on make-up had definitely passed.

I reminded myself to let this sweet boy live in the moment.

He was one happy camper.

I rescued snail when he fell in the crack.  {AKA I rescued snail from James rescuing snail, as he wanted to pick him up to save him.}

Yes, I’m Mom of the Year.  I stopped our morning to watch a snail.  I still managed to get James to school on time.  Then I came back home and stepped on snail.  I literally gasped “OH NO!”  So, I picked up the pieces {may he rest in peace}, and I later lied to James.  He repeatedly asked “Where’s snail?  What hoppened.”  I lied, “Snail must have moved on his way.  Maybe he was hungry.  Maybe he went to find his family.  That’s just what snails do; they slowly keep on moving.”  James said, “I gonna find him.”  My poor little animal/bug lover.  May he keep this innocence forever.

The Pumpkin Patch

It’s been too long since Justin, James and I have had a family Saturday morning.  Saturday morning outings are one of my favorite things, and telling James we were going to the pumpkin patch was like saying we were going to Disney World!

I also LOVE the pumpkin patch.  I feel like it kicks off the fall and holiday season. James doesn’t look too much older than last year's pumpkin patch trip, but his cognitive and language development make him an entirely different person.  Last year, my one and a half year old toddled through the patch calling the pumpkins “pabus..” 

October 2011

This year, my two and a half year old ran through the pumpkins talking NON-STOP.  “Daddy gonna get you?  Here goes!  I gonna run.  Watch me!  On you mark, get set, goooooo!”

“Where’s a spittle bug? Daddy gonna help me find a spittle bug? Mommy gonna help me find a spittle bug?  Oh, dere’s a spittle bug!  I gonna catch him.”

“Oh, das a big punkin. Dere’s a wittle punkin.  How many punkins?  Wet’s count and see. One, two, thwee.  Dat punkin is bumpy!  It’s orange.”

“I gonna sit.”

Justin and I both said we like this picture, because that’s the face he makes when he’s talking.  {Here, he was talking about his sticker.}

Like usual, he adopted one little toy, stick, bug, etc.  This time it was a pumpkin, thank goodness.  And it did not leave his hand.

We bought that little pumpkin, and Justin picked one out to go with it.

We have already been back to the pumpkin patch and have more trips planned.  It’s directly across from our school and church so, it’s hard not to stop by in October.  Three years at the pumpkin patch.  We’ve gone from baby,

to wiping my kisses off.

I say it all the time; this big boy will always be my baby.