Our Angel

I started to write James’ birthday blog and felt I needed to do this one first.  I was pregnant with what I thought was going to be a little sister for James.  We had a heartbeat and had almost made it through the first trimester.  I was exhausted to no end, went to bed at 8:00 every night, and was beginning to show.  Everything inside of me thought it was a girl.  We were just about to share the news when I miscarried.  It was January 17th, and I was 10 1/2 weeks.  I had a D&C and filled my head with ‘everything happens for a reason’ thoughts.  Here is where I tell you that I never knew how hard a miscarriage was until it happened to me.  Our baby had arms, legs, and a beating heart.  My every day had been consumed by the pregnancy.  (I’m not one of those pregnant women that just breeze by.)  The hardest thing I had to let go of though, was the plan.  Knowing that James and his sibling would no longer be three years apart.  Letting go of our August due date, and that we would not have a five month old baby next Christmas.  Accepting that we had to wait even longer to try again, which will make even more of an age difference, God willing of course.  Watching others share their news with due dates that were so close to mine.  It was just so hard to accept and deal with all the emotions.  I felt (and still feel) guilty for letting this much time pass before having our second.  I felt extremely guilty for being the source of a loss with my family at a time when we are enduring so much.  I started spreading the bad news and found myself comforting people as they cried on the phone with me.  I found myself telling people “It’s okay.  I’ll be okay.  I believe this baby wouldn’t have survived on the outside word, and God had to take her.”  I found myself not knowing what to say, and having anxiety about what people would say to me.  I was often asked the cause of the miscarriage, which made me think, ‘Well, I like to think it was out of my hands, but what if it wasn’t?’  I was told that I could simply try again for another.  I had insensitive comments by people that just don’t understand.  Conversely, I would get sympathetic eyes and hugs, and I would burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant.  So, my anxiety increased and a new social anxiety skyrocketed.  I started having fears of something traumatic happening to James.  I was just so anxious, and I was just so sad.  My voicemail was overflowing with cares and concerns, but I had horrible anxiety about calling people back.  I didn’t want to talk about it, but I couldn’t act like it didn’t happen.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole.  My parents came to visit, and then one of my best friends from Florida made a trip.  Things are getting much better and time has really helped me heal.  So, why am I blogging this for the world to see?  I really don’t know.  Maybe as a tribute to our love?  Maybe because I feel guilty just going about life as though it never happened?  I just feel the need.  I’m an open book when it comes to parenting and most things in life.  This loss is now a part of us whether we welcomed it or not.  (And on a smaller scale, this pregnancy and loss seriously affected my blogging!)  I began to blog about James’ birthday, and I just couldn’t skirt around this chapter in our lives.  This angel will always be a part of our family, and I truly believe we will meet her in heaven one day.  I also feel like I have a new perspective on a loss that women and families so often endure.  And for every friend of mine or stranger that has lost a baby, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart.